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Letters From The Editor

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STILL NOT FINISHED. [Apr. 3rd, 2006|10:05 pm]
Letters From The Editor
To anyone who wastes their time by reading this.

This is the latest draft of my wishes. please take any notice of my previous wishes, the latest list is the correct wish.

+ cheap coffin
+ burial at worting road cememtry
+ Music - Green Day - Time Of Your Life (good riddance), Rufus Wainwright Hallelujah, Amelia - Big Big World.

I am well aware that people are likely to hate me and be very angry with me now, enough so they will not let me have the final say about my life, but i understand that, and it's your choice, i'm dead, why do i care?

Since the age of 12 my death wish has been stronger and shone brighter than anyone or anything in my life. even in my moments of happiness i wanted to die, i always thought about dying happy rather than the sick twisted morbind fuck up I am.

I wasn't cut out for life. this life has thrown unhappiness and depression in my face and I can't fight anymore. i'm tired, my head hurts and my heart aches. i feel sick most of the time.

People have one by one let go of me, because they can't stand my neediness, they don't have the strength do deal with my moodswings and constant need of reasurance.

My life was better than so many others, but i didn't deserve it. everytime I was with the fantastic people i loved i felt guilty, guilty because i didn't deserve them, guilty because no matter how hard they or i try, i'm still miserable. guilty because i look at everything I have and realise that i should be happy, but i'm not. i'm immature, selfish and unappreciative.

Even the thought of loved ones and fun times wasn't enough to keep me here.

Day by day the fraying thread holding me back has been snapping.

if you read back through my other Livejournal you will see just why i've done this. I'm ok though, I'm witth jen, she'll look after me.

Jacqui xxx
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2006|09:59 pm]
Letters From The Editor
[Tags|]
[music |Placebo - Commercial for Levi]

Suzanne,
In my other journal you are reffered to as 'slag' i couldn't give a shit about what happens to you. The only thing i have to be greatful for from you is Jake.

When I was 8 years old you fucked my life up. and now it seems you have forgotten.
I still have nightmares of you touching me. but as usual, no one knows because we all know you'd deny it and get away with it, because thats who you are. a manipulative fucking whore and i hate you.

you're the one person i'm never saying sorry to. not then, not now and not when i'm gone.

fuck off
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2006|09:55 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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[music |Placebo - Broken Promise]

Steph.
I hope the rest of your life is good and that you are happy. seriousley, you were the best sister ever. you put up with my shit all the time.

Take care of Charlie
xxx
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2006|09:54 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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[music |Placebo - Blind]

Dad,
We argued, we fought, we screamed at eachother and recieved a wahck on the backside more than once from you when i was younger. your love and respect for me appeared too late. I take an overdose and all of a sudden i'm daddy's little girl.

There is so much that i hated about you, but at the end of the day, i now realise where my lack of self confidence and rock bottom self esteem came from.
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2006|09:51 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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[music |Placebo - Blind]

Mum,
You did the best job you could of bringing me up. you gave me many things that other kids didn't have, actually spending time with us was some i valued every second of every day.

No one knew i'd turn into a neurotic fuck up, and there was nothing you could do to stop things that happened.

This isn't your fault.
xxx
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|01:43 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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Dearest Annie,
You did so much for me. you tried so hard to help me most of the time, and for some unknown reason i rejected your help, but you never gave up on me, not once did you turn your back on me like so many people have before in the past.

You make me laugh, you dry my tears, you give me hugs, you make me feel safe.
fuck authority, do what the fuck you want and stand up for what YOU believe in, not what you're supposed to believe in.

Fucm them all

Love
Jacqui
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|01:36 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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Jake,
Your mother may or may not read this to you. that's her choice.
When you were born you were the best thing i could have wished for. you were so tiny and doll-like. now you've grown into a big strong 7 month old baby boy.
You smile and hold your arms out when you see me. this makes me smile. I've spent many many hours playing with your toys, sometimes letting you play too. You laugh and smile at me I feel on top of the world. but deep down i ache because i'm leaving this world and will never see you grow up.

I'll always be there watching over you, protecting you in everything you do. You're too young to remember me in years to come. But i will never stop loving you. never.

All My Love
Aunty Jax
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|01:26 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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Dear fiona,
You've ben such a help to me over the past year. you've stood by me and helped me to no end. I couldn't have asked for a better CPN.
There are times when i wanted to reach out to you but could never find the words. but in a way, it's almost like you knew that.

You've been such a good source of help and support and they it something i've always appreciated.
I hold so much respect for you.
Please don't think you could have prevented this. no one would have seen the signs, beacuse i didn't want them to.
I give you my full consent to tell my family the things we spoke about. after all, they should know.

Just remember, you're better at your job than many of your collegues. you actually listen to your clients.
Love
Jacqui
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|01:13 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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Deareast geoff,
I have no idea how you've got so far in your life. things have happened tp you that are to painful for me to understand, yet you've always tried to explain them to me.
I have always held such a great amount of respect for you.
you're jokes never failed to make me laugh and your hugs never failed to make me feel better.

You're a fantastic man Geoff Harris. You're never afraid to speak up about things that effect everone, while some of us can't find the words to express ourselves properly.

Keep going Geoff.
Again. you meant more to me than you could ever imagine.
All my love
Jacqui
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|12:31 pm]
Letters From The Editor
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Dearest Elaine,
I hope things work out with you and Rob. it's about time some good happend you both of you.

You have no idea how much you touched my life. You were always there for me, you always understood what i was rying to say while so many people around us got it so tragically wrong. We had some laughs. I don't ever remember us 'falling out', I've always held so much respect for you. the fact that you're still going no matter what life throws at you, and lets face it, life hasn't dealt you an easy hand, but slowly and surely things are picking up.

I admire your strength and courage and I've always lokke dto you. i've learnt so many lessons in life from you.

My decision to go is nothing against you. I want to take this opportunity to thank you for being in my life. someone once says our negativity sparks when we're both feelg crappy and are together, wht they fail to realise is that we end up laughing, mainly because we think of the stupidest ways to commit suicide, stragely, we up feeling better after a while.

when i first met you i instantly thought 'She's cool. I want her as a friend' but i never thought it's happen. but it did, and i am so so glad it did.

I love you Elaine and i'll ALWAYS be with you, but please try and understand that i have to do this. it's something that I've wanted for so long.

ll My Love

Jax
xxx
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