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Letters From The Editor

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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|12:23 pm]
Letters From The Editor

We had some good times. some laughs, but there was bad.
Like the time you were telling Elaine you didn't like me, yet, little did you know i was round the corner and heard everyword. I said nothing about this because i didn't want to cause ripples in the pond, so to speak, yet you still treated me a friend and brout me birthday and xmas presants.
Since i've know you you've become more and more cantankerous. this, i disovered, was always the case before I was around.
you're selfish merv, you are also extremely two faced and selfish.
people are only trying to help yet you throw it back them sometimes.
myself and others try so so hard to keep getting along with you, but most of the time people want to say something, but bote their lips so they don't upset you more, i'm not speaking for everyone when i say that, but i know there are people who thing the same.

I hope things go right for you in the rest of your life, i really do.

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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|12:17 pm]
Letters From The Editor

Dearest Betty,
You've been through so much, and there have been many occaisions when i've thought i'd never see you again, but you've always pulled throutgh.
i've always pulled through in the past, but i'm tired now. my heart aches as i type this but leaving this world is the only way for me to stop this.

I hope things get better for you. i really do. you deserve so much better in this life.

You've been there for me, been a great friend, a shoulder to cry on when i needed it and also sat through me whining and complaining, always putting up with me. no one could ask for better friends than the ones i had, and you were definitely one of those.

Love Always
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|12:04 pm]
Letters From The Editor

Dearest Wendy,
You do too much for other people, when you do something for you you feel guilty. you shouldn't. this world owes you more than anyone else.

You've been a friend, stuck by me through thick and think, and have been inspiration for me at times when i'd hit rock bottom.

you deseve better. i could have done so much for you that i didn't even think of doing.

Words really can't express how much you've touched my life with your love, kindness and courage.

I know i'm taking the easy option by committing suicide, but it's something i've been planning for years. no one could have stopped me. but i'm happy now. at peace.

I love you Wend. and i always will.

Love jacqui
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(no subject) [Mar. 3rd, 2006|08:30 pm]
Letters From The Editor
[music |down with the sickness]

Friday 3rd March 2006

Dearest Elaine,
You've been really good to me, you've listened when no one else has. You spot the obvious signs of me being unhappy that everyone seems to convieniently miss.
If you're reading this and I'm dead I just want you to know just how much you meant to me. I can not apologise enough for leaving you, I know you're probably angry with me and i can't turn back time to change that, I also no that no amount of me saying sorry is going to change that either.

You've done so much to ease my pain and make my time in life easier, Words cannot express how much you meant to me and how much I valued your friendship. You're probably thinking 'If she valued me so much then why did she choose to go?'
The only answer I can give is that I'm not strong enough for any of this. I can't struggle on pretending all is good when it's really not. I think you, of all people will understand that the most, don't let them get away with not giving you the help you need.

You deserve so much better, you really do.

I'll be with you all the way.
Keep strong
All my love
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(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2006|11:52 pm]
Letters From The Editor

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.

---Stewart Alsop

Sleep - Death without dying - living, but not life.
Edwin Arnold
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(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2006|09:26 pm]
Letters From The Editor

in here you'll find my final requests for my funeral service. I'd like these things to happen, but it's up to you if they happen or not, afterall it's me that's done this.

The music I'd like for my service is as follows.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah
Natasha Bedingfield - Wild Horses (I can relate to this song so so much, and it says a lot about how i'm feeling right now and have been for months)

The contents of this journal in particular are meant for whoever wants to read them. Everything I have written in here may not feel the same to me as ithey did when i wrote them, But they were that way once, and i think people have the right to know why i've done the things i've done both in the past and recently.

Everytime you come across an entry outlining my wishes, take the most recent entry to be my wishes at the time of my demise.

And remember, I haven't left this world because i don't love any of you, it's because after 24 years of life i still find it impossible to find any love for myself. people have tried so hard to help me to try and love myself, but i guess it was never meant to be. I've had more love than i deserve. and believe me i know i have. it may seem that i take things for granted, but in my heart those things mean more to me than breathing.
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(no subject) [Feb. 10th, 2006|08:49 pm]
Letters From The Editor

So... I'be been given Valium. I took them for the first 2 weeks. haven't taken them since. I'm saving them. Adding them to my stash. which is growing and getting more and more tempting by the day.

Elaine and Rob are a couple. I'm pleased for them, I really really am.yet try as hard as i can i've not got the power in me to mean it when i say it. I guess mainly because it makes me realise that i am alone. and what hurts me more is that i think i always will be alone. the one person i like is only interested in me as a friend. who in this world could think of me as anything but a friend.

This morning started off ok, but as the day's gone on i've started feeling more and more shitty.

It's like pieces of the world around me are fitting into place leaving me stood alone on the outside. almost like it's a sign to go, but i'm not sure i want to yet. i'm not sure of anything. i guess i may never be.

i may have felt these things before, been through these things before etc, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. the fact that i KNOW i may come out the other side does not mean that it makes me feel any better.

If Jen really was watching over me she'd not want me to suffer would she?
Who knows, i guess i never will.

i SO feel like doing something right now. I can't deal with things anymore, I just want to close my etes and never open them again. I just wish i didn't have to kill myself to die.
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(no subject) [Jan. 20th, 2006|10:29 pm]
Letters From The Editor

if i don't talk about things maybe they'll go away, right?

I'm slowly breaking away from things lately. It feels like no one wants to know anyway. all the people that are supposed to help me really don't seem to want to listen. maybe it's all finally folding in on me, like they're trying to tell me something. I feel so unsafe right now.

The timing feels wrong or i'd go.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2006|11:07 pm]
Letters From The Editor

Dear Trina,

I found it so easy talking to you today, Just a shame i couldn't bring myself to say some of what is going on in my head.

You're easy to talk to, and you LISTEN, many people say they are listening but they're not, not really. Your kids are so very lucky to have you as a mum.

Thank you for putting up with my constant whininh and complaining. many peopl don't. none of this is your fault. you can't spot signs that i'm not showing/ they're not showing because i know what the supposed signs are, so i'm avoiding them.

Thanks for everything.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2006|11:18 pm]
Letters From The Editor

so...24 today. each day that goes by holds a little less hope for me. Each day i feel more alone and unwanted.

i feel like the unevitible is steering closer to me. the nightmares have begun again.

everyone tried so hard for my birthday but my heart just wasn't in it. i thonk i faked being ok tho. my head's so noisy yet i feel so numb...so dead. i cut to try and feel something. the pain lasts a second. so i do it again and again and again. the more pain i feel, the more i feel sattisfied that i've punished myself a little more. I deserve to be punished.

i'm slowly but surely pulling away from my family and the hold i had on them and vice versa. it hurts like hell, it leaves an ache inside. but i deserve the pain. i don't deserve to have them around me, i really don't. i don't deserve anything good.
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